These past few nights
Thursday, August 19, 2010
These past few nights have been some of the worst. Other than barely being able to sleep due to thoughts and insomnia, when I actually fall asleep, I end up in a nightmare. Memories from that time when I was little. What I can’t understand is that I usually can’t sleep and even when I’m in a dream I wake up every now and then, but with these nightmares I’ve been stuck in them. Seeing everything, experiencing everything again as if it’s real. Images so vivid. It’s almost as if I could feel everything. And no matter what I do, no matter how much I scream in the nightmare, I can’t quite wake up until it’s over. Then suddenly I wake up, screaming into my pillow and nearly ripping off my teddy bear’s head. The next few minutes or hours are spent laying there, sobbing, and then showering to get rid of the puffy eyes and trying to shake everything off. Im scared to fall asleep right now. Terrified that it might be another night where I have that nightmare. What sucks is that throughout all this, there’s kinda been just one person I would want with me. To hold/comfort me. Or even just be there for me. Like you promised. You said you’d always be there for me. Not sure if that means anything now. It’s not like I can just text you, asking you to talk to me for a bit until I was at least a little okay. And I can’t just send you a message on myspace or facebook, asking if we can talk or hangout. I’d feel like I’d be asking too much of you just by messaging you something as simple as hello. And on your last post, I don’t know if that was to me? But I got confused why I thought that if we’ve barely been talking and I haven’t said anything that would make you say that? I don’t know. Gah, your everywhere in my head. Maybe because I just want you here. Im scared. So scared to go to sleep that I don’t even feel like laying in a bed anymore. So scared that my hands are literally trembling. I don’t want to wake up to another panic attack. And I wish I wouldn’t have to go through this alone.Labels: Awww
